June 17, 2007

Loving Discipline: What We Need in Our Churches and Homes

1 Corinthians 5: 1- 13, Matthew 20: 25- 28, Ephesians 6: 1- 4

A little over 30 years ago Dr. James Dobson, a psychologist and pediatrician from California wrote the book, Dare to Discipline. Maybe some of you have read it. Dobson was worried about the permissive culture of the '60's and the affect that it was having on the upcoming generation-- my generation. In the first chapter of his book, he relates the story of Becky Holloway. Becky's parents had never required her to obey or respect them. They believed that as she understood more, that eventually she would become more manageable. But that day never came. All the while little Becky became more sullen, disrespectful, selfish, and uncooperative. Things became worse as she entered adolescence. And the more belligerent she became, the more reluctant her parents were to discipline her. If they antagonized her in any way, she would throw the most violent temper tantrums imaginable. They thought they could buy her cooperation by giving her own telephone. She accepted it without gratitude and racked up a huge telephone bill the very first month. They thought a party would make her happy. Mrs. Halloway worked very hard to get the house decorated and the refreshments prepared. But during the course of the evening Mrs. Holloway said something that angered Becky. Mr. Holloway had been away from home, and he returned to find his wife lying in a pool of blood in the bathroom. Becky had struck her down and left her helpless on the floor; he found his unconcerned daughter in the back yard, dancing with her friends. What a tragedy. What a reminder this story is of the necessity of discipline in the home. (James Dobson, Dare to Discipline, Wheaton IL: Tyndale House, 1979, p. 28)

Discipline is not only needed in our individual families, but also in our church family. That's what Paul was so concerned about in this letter to the church at Corinth: A member was living in open sin and the church did nothing about it.

¹It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father's wife

We don't know all the details here. The woman in question was probably the man's stepmother. What he had done was understood to be incest both by the culture of that time and, more importantly, by the Law of Moses. And it would seem that the man's father was still living and married to this woman. So he was also committing adultery. Even in our own morally lax society this would be repulsive behavior-- though it's probably the kind of story that would end up on a day time talk show. Clearly what this man was doing was wrong, but, the church just ignored it.

As individual Christians, as Christian families, and as churches we want the world to believe that Jesus has made a difference in our lives. And so sometimes there is a tendency for us to try to hide our sins-to even try to convince ourselves they don't exist by ignoring them. There were many in Corinthian church who wanted to believe that they were very spiritual people. They liked to emphasize their spiritual gifts or their connection with a particular spiritual leader. They certainly didn't want to acknowledge that such a terrible sin had infiltrated their church. It would seem that they were even a little proud that they were showing such love and restraint. After all, didn't our Lord welcome prostitutes, tax collectors, and sinners? Haven't we all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God? That attitude does have a familiar ring, doesn't it?

As fathers and mothers we also may be tempted to try to hide and ignore the sins and weakness in our families, particularly those in our children. I remember there was a boy in the school where I taught. Although he was very intelligent and capable, he was in danger of failing and not graduating with his class. He was belligerent and disrespectful and much of the time didn't even attend his classes (though some of the teachers were somewhat happy when he wasn't there.) Yet, when a friend of mine, out of concern for this young man, called his mother, who happened to be a teacher at one of the local elementary schools, to inform her of the problem, she just simply wouldn't believe it. "He's a good kid, she said, "but he's had a hard life." And she told him all about the boy's abusive father and about how they had moved constantly. "So, he made some mistakes. Can't you just give him a break?" she asked.

That comment reminds me of a sermon I heard not too long ago by Andy Stanley. The title of his message was "It's No Mistake." In the sermon, he points out that many people don't like to talk about sin any more. Instead of saying, "I sinned," many simply say, "I made a mistake." And there's a big difference between sins and mistakes. Sins are intentional. We meant to do what we did. Mistakes are not. They are simply errors in judgment.

On one hand, it seems charitable to give someone the benefit of the doubt and label the wrong they did as a mistake. On the other hand, as Stanley pointed out in sermon, only sins need a Savior, who sacrificed himself on the cross. Mistakes don't

People of God, if in our homes and in our churches we fail to call sin, sin, then we are failing to bring the most important message we can bring to our sons and daughters and brothers and sisters. That is that Jesus died to pay for our sins. And we can find forgiveness in him. When we fail to call sin, sin, we rob those we say we love of the forgiveness that can be theirs in Jesus Christ. I know we've heard this verse before. But it begs repeating.

⁸If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. ⁹If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. ¹⁰If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

And if ignore and downplay sins in our family, how can call our family a Christian family. And if we ignore and downplay sins in our church, how can we call our church a Christian church? Christian parents discipline their children and Christian churches discipline their members

But there's another side to this coin. And that is the side that spoken against in the other two scriptures we read. In Matthew 20: 25 we a message that is applicable all who would be leaders.

²⁵Jesus called them [his disciples] together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. ²⁶Not so with you.

Sometimes as church leaders, in disciplining others, we are tempted to "lord it over them."

Similarly in the home, as fathers and mothers, we can abuse discipline.

And to fathers, Paul writes,

⁴Fathers, do not exasperate your children;

The word Greek translated "exasperate" literally means do not give them cause to be angry.

Granted, even just punishments can cause children to become angry. But the idea is to not give them cause for just anger. The New English Bible translates it, "You fathers, again, you must not goad your children to resentment. The God's Word translation says "Fathers, don't make your children bitter about life."

I recently read the book Jesus Land by Julia Sheeres. This woman grew up in a Christian home. According to her account, her father was a sometimes violent disciplinarian. She relates several incidents where he not only left welts on her brothers' bodies, but in one case struck one her brothers with a 2 x 4 and broke his arm. In another incident he tried to choke her. (Granted hers may be a one sided account. And she also admits to doing some morally reprehensible acts. Yet, if these incidents actually happened, they demonstrate a failure to live out what Paul commands in our scripture.) She gives the following story as an example of her father's approach to discipline,

"I'm in bed reading Glamour, "Bring out the He-Man in Him!" when his Porsche growls in the driveway. I turn my radio down

I hear the mudroom door swing open and heaven footsteps cross the great room. There murmuring, and then heavy footsteps descending the stairs and banging on the boys' door. Incoherent shouting... shrieks of pain. I turn off my bed stand light and press the radio to my ear under the pillow, filling my head with "Sweet Dreams by the Eurhythmics." (Julia Scheeres, Jesus Land, Cambridge, MA: Counterpoint, 2005, p. 66)

Today, the Scheeres says that she is no longer a Christian.

Brazen abuses of power are not only found in our homes, but also in our churches. Church history is replete with examples of how leaders in churches have used discipline to advance their own power and silence their opponents. And there are other cases in which church leaders have used discipline unwisely and in ways that have driven people from Jesus rather than to him.

So, what is God calling us as churches and families to do? There are three positive commands, one in each scripture we read. First, let's look carefully at 1 Corinthians 5: 4- 5. Here we find the goal of all discipline.

⁴When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, ⁵hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature^ may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.

This is a severe case. And Paul basically is telling the church that they must excommunicate this man: that they must kick him out of the church. But, why? Look at what comes after the so that-that's the reason for discipline,

so that the sinful nature^ may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.

Later, Paul goes on to say how this man's sin has polluted the whole church. But, his concern for the church as a whole and his concern for this brother are one and the same. For, if the sin that is allowed to fester, it will destroy both. Paul's solution is cut out the sin. In this case the man may have to be put out of the church for a while to give the Holy Spirit time to work on his heart and bring him to repentance.

People of God, two weeks ago we heard God's call from 1 Thessalonians "to encourage one another and build each other up." That remains an important reason why we gather together as church. And why do this? As Romans 15: 6 puts it,

⁶so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And how do we best accomplish good discipline? Listen again to Matthew 20: 25- 28,

⁶Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, ²⁷and whoever wants to be first must be your slave-²⁸just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

I am struck by Julia Scheeres description of her father,

"He wasn't always so distant. When we were little, he used to be playful, tugging on my pigtails as if they were horse reins or sticking David and me in the tiny backseats of his Porsche and zigzagging up the road to make us giggle. But somewhere along the line he dropped out of our lives. He founded [a surgical clinic] the Lafayette Surgical Clinic, managing the business affairs in addition to a full load of patients, and spent less and less time at home. He became stranger to us, a stranger who comes to mete out punishment. A stranger whose presence we've come to resent." (Scheeres, p. 144)

You can't guide or discipline others without having a relationship without first having a relationship with them. And one of the best ways to build a relationship with another is by offering that person loving sacrificial service.

Notice the positive command given to fathers, but this certainly also applies to mothers and to church and other leaders as well,

Bring [your children or those whom God has placed in your care] up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

The word "bring up" is the Greek ektrepho, which literally means "feed them." One of the first acts that mothers perform in raising children is to feed them. Originally, before there were baby bottles, this was a very sacrificial act. A mother gave of herself. God calls fathers to do the same. Training and instructing children takes sacrifice. Leadership takes sacrifice.

This last week I watched the movie Edge of America with my daughter. That story is about an African-American man who came to teach on Indian reservation in the southwest. He took over as coach of the girl's basketball team and led this once struggling team to compete for state basketball championship. I'll not tell you how it ends, in case you want to see it. But it might interest you to know that the story is loosely based on real life account of what happened in the high school where I taught in New Mexico. Anyway, the movie accurately portrays how the coach put these girls through intense discipline. And there were times when many were ready to leave the team. But they stayed. Why? They stayed, because they knew this coach cared about then not only as players to win a game, but as people. They were committed to him and his leadership, because he was committed to them.

As Christian fathers and mothers and church leaders, we should be representing Christ to those we lead-- the Christ who gave up everything to save us. Can those we lead see Christ in us and in the loving ways we sacrifice for them?

Graduates, Don has told me how each of you has real leadership capability. Most, if not all of you, will be leaders someday. Fathers and mothers in your homes and leaders in your workplaces, communities, and hopefully also in your churches. The question is what kind of leaders will you be? Will you be like Christ?

This truth reminds me of the song, Will you let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you, pray that I might have the grace to let you be my servant too.

People of God, maybe it's not so much a question whether we "dare to discipline" as whether we "care enough to discipline."

⁵Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

⁶ Who, being in very nature^ God,

did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

⁷ but made himself nothing,

taking the very nature^ of a servant,

being made in human likeness.

⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,

he humbled himself

and became obedient to death-

even death on a cross!

⁹ Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

and gave him the name that is above every name,

¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

¹¹ and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,

to the glory of God the Father.